Having a ball

Today started off like any other day. I woke up successfully and worked out. Everyone got out of the house on time, the boys shirts were unstained.  Work was going pretty well and as I was working away I had the realization that my husband was going to be gone this weekend. I have known this for at least 2 months. He went to a Scottish Highland Game event. I cannot even think about mentioning that I don't want him to go because I'm going to be going to a different continent for the first half of December.
So this morning he made me coffee, told me I was so beautiful and he couldn't imagine being away from me and the boys for even 24 hours....
Not so much.
He clearly did not catch my drift. If he did, he choose not to set sail on it.
After 3 of my 4 son's were born I had diagnosed postpartum anxiety/depression,  after the first one I didn't even tell my doctor how I was feeling, so it went undiagnosed.....Mind you, I'm only 6 months out of having a baby. I was on medication for this for about 3 months but I felt like I could handle it on my own, so far so good, I think..  But when I realized that I was  going to be alone...with four children my inadequacies start knocking at the door and I had no choice but to let them in.
Because of this my entire day was thrown off. My daily interactions with everyone are just.. off.
One thought, correction, one FEAR has set me on a fear roller coaster.

Usually I'm excited when the work day is over and for me to be greeted by my mini-fan club at home,but today was different.  When I finally did get home. I had already suited up in my issue armor as I walked in the door.
My husband left before dinner and as hard as I tried not to, I gave him a look that could kill and once again and being married for 9 years, I know he noticed it, but just made a choice to pretend he didn't.
The last thing I felt like doing was making dinner, besides, we didn't have anything to make.
My 3 year old sensed my discomfort, as only a kid can do. I was sitting on the floor having a stimulating conversation with the baby and he brought me a rubber ball. Jack sat on the other side of our living room floor and we started rolling it back and forth to each other. Back and forth, back and forth, after about 3 minutes of this I was about to suggest that he check to see if his toys were "ok"  in his room, when I felt an overwhelming sense of calmness.  I just started focusing on the methodical simplicity of interacting with my son with a...ball of all things.  My nerves began to dissipate.
Even when I write the word nerves, I find myself slightly embarrassed.
How can I be nervous being around my own kids?
I fed the baby. As I sat there spooning carrots in his mouth, on the verge of tears I thought, I need to get out of here. I called down to the 2 older ones and said, lets go to dinner!
If it involves food, or going somewhere, they are on it. They emerged from their play cave in less than a minute.
As contradictory as the statistics prove, I actually feel safer in the car than not. All my boys are accounted for, strapped in, and quiet.  I pull into Taco Bell. This causes a minor happiness riot.
This is a bi-annual event.  Taco bell is just not something that happens everyday. As I gathered the food, which, on a side note, is NOT as cheap as I remember, I pulled into a parking space and we had a car picnic.  My oldest asked me to turn the music off so we could talk.  As we sat, eating our burritos, watching cars pass, Jack explained where every one of them was going, "he's going to work" "he's going home" he's going to work" he's going home" repeat. repeat. repeat.
My oldest son asked, Mommy, can I work at your work after college? Sure I said.
Fin then interrupted,
"what time is lunch break for college kids? Do they get snack?  Parker got angry, " Fin, stop interrupting!"
If we work together can we have lunch together everyday? We could walk to Chipotle!
I told him that I would really like that as I fought back tears and here is why.
1.that he noticed that I wasn't feeling so happy.

2. that I know he doesn't like Chipotle and that he knows  I do.
After that, I realized that maybe I have done a decent job raising my boys.  I had the crazy idea to take them to Target.  I wish I could say that they all behaved perfectly
but then I would be lying.
But it was in that small moment, which I'm confident they won't remember, that gave me the little boost I needed to know that I can do this, even if it is for only 36 hours.