Band (aid) of Brothers

If you ever want to test your heart, have kids.  Last night, once again, I was tested and if the test was based on my actions I would have failed miserably. If it was based on the outcome I would have passed with flying colors.  After I came home from the emergency room last night, Don and I sat on the couch for a "keeping it real conversation".  And excuse my french, but all I could think of was What the fuck? Seriously. How could we have let this happen? How many get out of jail free cards are we going to get? 
I'm referring to incident #23 in the list of near death/ or serious injury accidents our boys have  experienced in our care.  Incident #23 occurred in 2 seconds. I came home after an after hours work function. I walked in the door. Decided to help Jack with his jammies upstairs. The last I saw, the two older boys were playing with Oscar in the kitchen. All was right in the house.  Next thing I know, I hear Don yelling.  "damn it, damn it No No NO." I knew this was bad.  When I had gone upstairs the older boys had decided to go into the basement and didn't shut the door or the safety gate (which we have there for this very reason) behind them.  Oscar had tumbled  head first down an entire flight of stairs and landed on a carpeted (concrete) floor.  Don had heard what he explained as 4 thuds and not a cry at the bottom.  When he got to the stairs he saw his 9 month old stunned, laying still at the bottom of the stairs. By the time I came down Don had him in the living room and was frantically, but gently, checking him out. Oscar's face began to lose color and he said, call 911. Faster than the speed of light, I had packed a diaper bag, gotten his coat and was loading him into the van. Screw 911.
I got to the ER in 3 min. and drove with the dome light and windows down to keep the little guy from dozing, which he was.  All I could think was, he must have broken his neck.  Thankfully there was a parking space right in the front, although I would have probably parked anywhere at that point. I rushed in crying holding him and the nurse was clearly alarmed...mostly at me, which later I found out she thought I was going to pass out from a panic attack.   Which brings me to my next thought. Why can't I be the strong calm, collected mother I admire? I'm a super freak. SUPER FREAK. After checking him out and asking me how this happened (several times) they didn't feel that he was in need of immediate care ( unlike me)  but wanted to have a doctor check him regardless, so off to the waiting room I went.  There I sat with 2 other babies. A man with crossed eyes who I believe was just there to hang out and stare at me..(and the wall at the same time),  4 teenagers playing cards, a guy in Air Jordans  from 1991 who looked like he had broken his arm, and a woman in her pj's eating an ice cream sandwich which looked more the size of an ice cream log.  This is also the time I realized I didn't have my phone so it was going to be a long night. By this time Oscar is starting to come around. He wasn't moving much, until this point, but he looked at me with an expression that said, Who are these people, and why are we here?  By the time we were sent back to the second room he was laughing. Laughing! I walked down the hall passing the rooms, it felt like the movie with Scrooge, and I could see myself at different stages in my life with different kids, in each of those rooms and my younger self..you guessed it, freaking out.   
The doctor came in and asked me what happened ( again) and my story didn't change. I guess that is a good thing. So he examined my giggling baby thoroughly and said that there was not a bump, scratch, bruise or anything of concern on the kid.   As relieved as I felt, I also felt, once again humbled.   I really believe a higher power softened his fall and at the same time smacked me in the face. For my negligence in being a cautious parent and being completely present in what I'm doing, and for the mud slinging blame game Don and I exchanged as I was running out the door. 


The incidents I was referring to previously include, choking on foreign objects, dog bites,  finger smashing, losing our son, ice cycles crashes, grabbing Parker by the hood of his sweatshirt just before he ran in front of a car at a truck stop and now stair falling.  All of which have had extremely positive outcomes.
When I got home I went to tuck the older boys in who were already asleep.  When I kissed Parker, he mumbled, "I forgot to close the gate."
Now my heart was in even more pieces.  A 7 year old was taking the blame for his brothers fall.


This morning as I was making breakfast Finegan checked in on Oscar and said he was just making sure he was alive. When he realized that he was, he started saying something about how his heart was beating so fast last night that he thought it was going to jump out of his chest.  Jack gave him a huge hug this morning and did his habitual morning Oscar yell. " OOOOOSSSCCCAAARRR"while running full speed to give him a kiss. 


As much as they fight, they truly are a band of brothers.