Going Home

It has been about three weeks since my uncle passed away.  I have found it difficult to grieve in front of the boys. When they notice I am down, they innately, want to cheer me up. Knowing that this is not possible, I try and avoid it all together.
A common question when someone dies is "Was it sudden?" "Were you close?"  I am guilty of this too. It's the living's way of finding comfort in the answer.  If it was sudden, then it seems that anyone of us could be victim to it.  If it wasn't, then somehow it must have been easier to prepare for. If you were close, then one assumes it was harder for you.  The truth is, death is the one thing we all have in common. We can't avoid it and eventually we will all experience it.  Some sooner than others and most of us will or have dealt with it by losing a friend or family member.
I grew up on the outside perimeter of death. I was the youngest grandchild on my mother's side and the second youngest on my father's.  My mom dragged me to so many wakes and funerals as a kid, I can't even keep them strait.  It was her way of supporting a friend who lost a mother, or a distant family member I had never met.  I'm not blaming my mom, but it really screwed me up.   As a kid I would sit in a funeral parlor in a big stiff chair watching people sob and talk, all in front of a casket. I would avoid that side of the room at all costs, but through the people and flowers I could always see the body.  When the thriller video came out in 1983 I had my first heart attack.  My second one came at the release of the Sixth Sense.  I can trace my fear of ghosts and dead bodies right to its source.
So when I heard my uncle was in the hospital I left it to my mom to send my well wishes.   My uncle was an adventurous fun loving guy, he took risks... a lot.  Since I was a kid, he has had 2 motorcycle accidents and several other near death experiences with his job. In fact, one of the accidents he had as a teen he actually did die for a few seconds.  When I heard he had fallen off a boat in Arizona I can't say I was too concerned.  I may have been more concerned if I hadn't heard of him doing something crazy.   The fall actually gave him 2 staples in his head and he was back on his bike.
It wasn't until he flew to Indiana that something happened.   He had flown home for a funeral of a friend. He had gone to the funeral but collapsed shortly after.  They found him and rushed him to the hospital.  They assumed it may have been a little stroke, but kept him for observation. That is when my mom visited him.  He joked that he was knocking at the pearly gates, but they didn't answer. He had openly expressed that when he had died, it was the most peaceful experience he had ever felt. He often said he was not afraid of it, and his lifestyle supported his claim. Don't get me wrong, he loved his family and his life, but he also had a strong faith in what happens after you die.  He was scheduled to have an MRI. He said he would talk to my mom when he got home.   As they were taking him to the test he got very sick and they realized his brain was hemorrhaging.  They rushed him to emergency surgery and with that, we learned that blood had consumed his brain and he was now on life support.
So to answer the question if it was sudden, yes, I guess so.  My mom called and told me the news.  This time I felt an overwhelming pull to be with her.  He was in a hospital about 45 minutes away. I found myself within minutes picking up my bags, leaving work and driving there.  I was nervous. I hate hospitals, the smell reminds me of my mom dragging me to nursing homes as a kid.   I know I am painting her as a morbid person but even her own child wasn't going to stand in the way of her enormous heart. So along I would go.  But this time, as an adult, I was choosing to go, maybe in all those years she taught me compassion.  I walked into the waiting room just as my mom, cousins and aunt were learning that there was no hope.  Doctors don't sugar coat things.  I sat with my mom as she shook.  Now the decision was upon my aunt as to when to remove life support.  Obviously, that is a lot of news to take in at once.  The family decided to say their goodbyes and remove him the next morning.  At this point I hadn't seen him.  My mom took my hand and walked me back to the ICU.  I hadn't been in one before and depressing is an understatement. Tubes and beeps and rhythmic breathing. All rooms have the door open and are all glass. I couldn't help but be a voyeur in other people's tragedy.  I saw someone who looked like they had been in a horrible accident, but as my mom lead me in that direction, I realized it was my uncle.
I immediately regressed to being a 5 year old and felt the urge to flee, but the tight grip of my mom's hand changed my mind.  I said, what I thought was my last goodbye, awkward and painful, and couldn't wait to just go.  My mom and I walked back to the waiting room as the others said their goodbyes.  I stayed with my mom until dinner time and asked when she was going to leave, she said she wasn't. And I wasn't going to argue. This is her only sibling, her little brother and she wanted every last minute with him.  They removed life support early Saturday morning.
After I woke up, again I felt a pull in that direction and again I found myself driving there.  What I noticed was that each time I drove there I heard the same song, sometimes on 2 different stations and always as I was in route. It was Home, by Phillip Phillips.  I like that song, but when a song plays at an influential time in your life, it almost becomes stamped into memory and a soundtrack that you can never forget what you were feeling when you heard it.
He survived for 48 hours after they took him off. And my mom never left his side, and I only left hers to go home to sleep and change.  I brought her a change of clothes. She wouldn't leave him even to go to the bathroom unless I was on "watch". This was something that we established after I had had a baby.  She would hold the baby so I could sleep and be on visitor "watch". It was the only time I actually got some sleep in the hospital.
I found comfort in sitting with him. I became glued to his monitors, and my mom and I would go on a roller coaster of emotions ranging from hope, doubt, sadness and for me, fear.  At one point I saw my mom whispering in his ear and giggling.  They had declared him brain dead, but whatever part of the brain controls your breathing and heart, was still very much alive. I saw a glipse of their childhood and couldn't help but feel tremendous anguish for what she was going through.  Both of my grandparents were gone and she and her brother were all that was left of their little family. I don't know what she said.   She told me she felt guilty because we were waiting for him to die, but I quickly assured her that we weren't waiting for him, we were waiting with him.
Friends and family visited at all hours and I learned more about him on his death bed then I knew about him alive.  He had touched so many people.  On the last night I asked the nurses to bring in a reclining chair for my mom so she could get a little sleep, she only said an hour, but I let her sleep as long as she could.  I held my uncles hand and wished I was a better niece, wished I could have said things I should have. Because it is still so fresh I can't bare to go into the details, but I can say that death isn't pretty. It isn't peaceful and it isn't what you see in the movies. At least this experience.  There were some really intense moments that were shared between my uncle, mom and me.  But in this dark cold room, with the glow of the monitors there wasn't anywhere else I wanted to be. I had put my hand under his because he was my space heater and it was freezing in there. His temperature hit a high of 107, but had come down. He was stable.  I even asked the nurse if there was a chance that he may come through this.  She just looked at me and said that miracles have happened. In retrospect, he was on a constant morphine drip and I was tired. But my mom and I both felt he might dodge death yet again. I will value those hours as the finest hours I had with him. As crazy as it sounds I felt like we were communicating on a level I can't even describe. So to answer the question if we were close, well, not until this point.  In the early morning my mom woke up and I left. I planned to return later in hopes that a miracle would happen.  I woke up to a text. My mom had said he had a good night.   I decided to get ready for work, but when Don came into the bathroom with the phone, I knew something had suddenly changed. She read me his stats, numbers that a week prior would have meant nothing to me. I knew I had to be there for her. I arrived and was shocked at how a few hours changed his appearance and when I looked at the monitors that I had been staring it, I couldn't believe what I saw.  What were triple digits were dropping to double digits and now single digits.  I felt like the wind had been knocked out of me. I immediately stood behind my mom to give her physical strength because I knew I didn't have any mental strength left to support her with.
At 8:45 as my mom and I held each of his hands and his best friend stood at his feet, my uncle died.  My mom had never left his side and even though we knew what the outcome was, it still felt shocking, and way too soon.  She gave him a final kiss and it was over.
I realized my role in his life wasn't until the end.  I have to hope he knew I was there. I certainly know he knew my mom was.
When I left I felt like I had run a marathon. I worried about my mom. Her pain was palpable as I watched her get into her car.
I got in the car and again, the song that kept playing came on yet again.  This time the words meant a bit more.

Hold on, to me as we go
As we roll down this unfamiliar road
And although this wave is stringing us along
Just know you’re not alone
Cause I’m going to make this place your home

Settle down, it'll all be clear
Don't pay no mind to the demons
They fill you with fear
The trouble it might drag you down
If you get lost, you can always be found

Just know you’re not alone
Cause I’m going to make this place your home

Settle down, it'll all be clear
Don't pay no mind to the demons
They fill you with fear
The trouble it might drag you down
If you get lost, you can always be found

Just know you’re not alone
Cause I’m going to make this place your home

 This time when he knocked on the pearly gates, they finally opened, and he was home.